Separate yourself

I was having a discussion with my husband about our children and he wisely said, “separate yourself”. And it makes sense. In 2 ways.
1. Physically- I try explaining to my husband that the reason he finds it so easy to discipline in a strict manner and they listen is because he is not doing it all day long. By the end of the day I am either too tired to deal with them so they get away with stuff or I am a screaming lunatic who wants to throw them into a closet and close the door. And he told me. I need to separate myself from them. Take time away. This is no surprise, we all know that. But it’s not always easy to do. Some of us just can’t get away. Some of us get away and we call or are called every 5 minutes. Yes separating yourself helps you to calm down but most of all, it allows you to miss them and appreciate them when you see them so this way you have more patience. You can also try to separate yourself by doing something at home unrelated to the children like surfing Facebook so for a few moments you can forget. Lock yourself in the bathroom and pretend you are on the toilet. And remember you are an adult, not one if the children. You need your space too.
2. Mentally- this means when you are about to “rage against the machine”, take a step back, calm down and breathe. Remember, it’s not about you. This wise man told me. Don’t take it personally. The children are not trying to “do this to you”! They are trying to communicate, test the limits and you yelling does 2 things. 1 makes you upset and you lose the battle anyway and 2 it changes your children. They learn from you and they feel your tension. Recently my older son has begun to have raging fits like the devil has taken over. I told him to look in the mirror. Then I thought maybe he is looking in the mirror at me and that is what I look like. I don’t want my children to grow up with anger. So when they start this process at an early age you need to deal with their tantrums differently. Believe me, as a former ( believe it or not) behaviour therapist, you need to believe this tantrum will be over soon. It gets worse before it gets better because it is a learning process for both of you. You have to show the child that it is not bothering you, that you are sticking to your guns and that it is ok if they want to act like a freak, it won’t get them anywhere. And it really shouldnt bother you. Think of it as a game or a task with actions and reactions, not ” i cant handle how they treat me”. They need to learn to use their words and this is your opportunity to be a teacher. And if you pretend you are their teacher, just think about it. Teachers are not allowed to go psycho on your kid and they handle 30. Do you want them to be scared of you or respect you? believe me. You can fuck up a child real young. You can teach them how to have a good or bad relationship. My son asked me for mothers day, “if i give you 5 gifts, will you be nicer?” i don’t want him to think i’m mean and he thinks that because I scream not because I discipline. So let them tantrum. When they are done, and they do what you ask, they will reap the benefits. DO NOT worry about being embarrassed in a restaurant or because people are over. You are not hurting them. You can bring them to another room to tantrum but tell everyone to fuck off and mind their own business cause the one time you crack, you will have to start all over and they are not the ones who have to take your kid home.
When it’s over, crack open a bottle of wine and celebrate. You will deserve it. Plus when they are old enough, they don’t even hear you screaming anymore. They only hear that you are taking away an hour of video games. That’ll shut them up. Lmao!!
Enjoy the sun. Even if its from a window. Tootles!

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