Well I bought these 2 baking books cause they were cute and on sale. One of them is all cookies and one is all muffins and of course they were meant to just be dust collectors but my boys got a hold of them and decided to use them for night time reading. Thank God I bought 2 books. Now they wanted me to bake —great!!! As if I’m Martha Fucking Stewart and they ask me the week I decide to diet. Then the guilt inside me brought me back to those days where I dreamed of bring Mrs. Brady or one of those mothers I see always posting baking fun with their kids on Facebook and thought why not spend an hour and try this. Believe it or not I had the ingredients for one of my children’s 2 choices. Thank God the little one won the battle and the older one backed down as usual– poor kid. And even better news– he chose blueberry muffins. I hate blueberry muffins. At least I won’t eat them. And tell me, who thinks its fun or cute to bake with their kids???? Fishing for egg shells in the mixture is not fun for me!!! Cleaning the floor and sticky counter is not fun for me!! Trying to fight off their fingers from digging into the batter is not fun!!! Anyway, I did it. Maybe I forgot the sugar or maybe the person who wrote the recipe did, but they were just horrible. And they did not make 12. And they mostly went in the garbage. So I’m waiting for them to complain that I didn’t make their other choice yet because I didn’t go buy the ingredients yet and I had this thought. Wouldn’t it be fun to be Julie or Julia and try to make everything in these 2 books? I know crazy right?? I think I’ll try but it will probably take 5 years cause there’s no fucking way I have the time Julie or Julia have on their hands to make one every day!!! I’ll keep you updated. Here’s the first one.
1. No one holds the door for you anymore.
2. No one offers to carry things for you.
3. No one is telling you how good you look.
4. If you overflow your plate at the buffet no one finds it cute.
5. No one goes around you.
6. No one touches your stomach.
7. You can’t bypass the line at the bathroom.
8. Plumber butt!
9. You need to suck your stomach in.
10. Your boobs have disappeared.
11. Your hair is not luxurious.
12. You can’t park in expectant mother parking!!!
13. You can actually hear your child screaming at you!!!
Listen ladies, I understand you’re all excited that you’re 2 hours pregnant but that does not mean you can park in expectant mother parking!!!!! Seriously if you are under 5 months pregnant you cannot park there!!!! You have not waddled enough to earn the right to park there. Your stomach is not so big that if you parked in a regular spot you wouldn’t be able to open your door to get out to fit between the 2 cars. Pushing a cart over to the 2nd or third spot is not gonna hurt you, honestly!! And for family parking, if you’re youngest kid is 5 years old or over you do not need to park there either. If your 5 year old is gonna run off into the parking lot or needs to be carried you have bigger problems than having to walk a whole 30 seconds. You do not have an infant carrier to take out of the car that will cause you to bang your door against the car beside you having to make you put the baby back in so you can move your car and park somewhere else in a panic or a 3 year old that may push the door open too far!! Come on!!! That’s like saying “I wear contacts, I need to park in handicapped parking.” Paediatricians and obgyns should have to issue you a sign that expires just like the handicapped get. Although if you’re Italian you probably, “know a guy” I’m watching you!!!
I did intend to try to feed my kids healthy food for as long as I possibly could. It really did start off that way-Steamed organic food with no salt but eventually they will eat at someone else’s house or you have to take them to a restaurant and they’ll realize you’ve been cheating them. Also, being a busy mom you are eventually gonna have to figure out how to maneuver your mini van through a drive through and you can only be the freak at McDonald s asking for fries with no salt for so long. (Sidenote to McDonalds–dont ever replace my kids regular scheduled french Fries with a yogurt and a french fry pack that holds 3 fries again!!! A. that requires a spoon and allows for possible spillage while driving. B. You just caused a 3 year Old to lose his shit and C. if i wanted my Kids to eat healthy that day i wouldn’t be fucking going to McDonalds)
Anyway, i have to say, I’m still pretty good. I don’t let my kids eat candy before bed or all day long for that matter. My 6 year old has never had pop or gum. There are some things that are not necessary for them to even try but I don’t remember any cool kids bringing cucumbers with hummus to school. It may be impressive to parents but the cool kid is the one who shows up to school with money to buy French fries.
So, the reason I decided to blog about this was to share a true story. My sister is a vegapescatorian or whatever the hell she calls herself this month. She came over today with her 2 healthy kids who will literally choose cucumbers over French fries when they are both on my table in front of them. I’m jealous. I really am. I wish I had that discipline but I don’t know if I could risk my kids missing out on fun things kids eat. So my nephew asks me for “unhealthy cereal”. Thats what he called it. Of course I have lucky charms that Nonna so graciously introduced my kids to. So he takes the lucky charms, puts them in a bowl and opens my fridge. He looks at me and says, “you have no almond milk!?!?” “No, I don’t.” I had to explain to him that majority of people don’t have that in their fridge. I felt bad but kinda offended in a way as if I was the weird one. Then to my amazement and slight glee he asked for the chocolate syrup to put in his milk that my husband so kindly introduced to my children. One of the unnecessaries in a household but its there now so have some. Of course he didnt know what it was called. He pours the cereal in his bowl, no milk yet, grabs the syrup and asks me how he’s supposed to do it. I couldn’t believe my ears. This is a 10 year old who doesn’t know what to do with chocolate syrup. I can think of 10 things to do with chocolate syrup!! I looked at my sister and said,”seriously!?” I’m sure she was a proud mom but i was dazed and confused. I felt bad for the kid. I personally think i would rather my kid know what to do with chocolate syrup –
for many reasons. Lmao!! Maybe I should babysit him more often and FaceTime my sister while he has a peanut butter Nutella sandwich with Cheerios in the middle while drinking cows chocolate milk!!! Hahaha. I’m the devil. I know.