Elf on a Shelf

Warning: if you are a kid, do not read this!!!!

So I bought this Elf on a Shelf thingy thinking my son is too smart for that crap but turns out my six year old was scared shitless. I found him crying the first night asking me to take it back to the store. I thought he was scared of something actually coming and going at night like a creepy ghost and that damn thing is creepy!! Have you looked at it in the face?? It’s a freaking nightmare with that smile. Anyway, he wasn’t crying because it creeped him out, he was crying because he didn’t want it to tell Santa to put him on the naughty list. I told him it was simple, be good and you’ll have no problems. Then the little one started, “ya bring it back. He’s annoying”. He’s 4. He finds everything “annoying”. It’s his word.

So the next morning they were all excited to see it had moved. That made me happy although I started to think about it. This thing was obviously made by some frustrated mom who needed a physical threat in their house to bribe their kids to be good. Problem is, I’m not a good liar. I just find it immoral to tell my kids “the elf is gonna tell Santa on you”. Plus if it worked, I would ask for an Easter bunny elf and a birthday elf and a thanksgiving elf so I am covered all year round. But it doesn’t work. All it does is put something else on the list of shit I have to remember to do every day. It especially sucks when you are already in bed and you fucking remember you didn’t move the elf!! And all my kids can do is complain that it’s too easy to find “David” as they call him. I got no clue where they got this name from. It’s all they could agree on. I guess “Jingles” doesn’t work for them. Imagine how late they would be for school in the morning if i hid it in a hard place. And by the way David, thanks for those first few days of excitement when my kids were awake at five o’clock to find your ass!!

Also, what does it teach my kids?? one day they are gonna wanna be an elf because elves are allowed to hang off the chandeliers like a monkey when mommy and daddy go to sleep. And we are not helping by finding it cute.

Anyway if I was a kid, I would be totally creeped out to have something watching me all day long. Imagine if there was one for adults. No one would get any presents. Christmas would be over!! Lol