Taking a bath for a mother is almost like going to the spa but not really cause you are doing all the work by yourself. It’s more like a step above peeing alone. But it has to be the the hottest bath. One of those baths where you just don’t notice how hot it actually is after a while of being in there. Of course I do this like 2 hours after the kids have gone to sleep. Let’s be honest here. There is a 2 hour waiting period where you could think they are sleeping and they fucking ask you for a glass of water.
So I prepare all the items i will need around me by taking them down from the rack and I submerse myself in molten lava and after sitting there for an hour almost falling asleep a few times(cause what kinda idiot mother thinks she’s gonna stay awake in a bath ? It’s the reason we give kids warm milk before bed. Stupid. ) I’m willing to sacrifice my life for a few moments alone. My husband doesn’t get it. It’s simple. It’s like me trying to understand wtf he does on the crapper for an hour while I deal with screaming kids.
Anyway I eventually realize I have to actually wash myself, so I start—-body wash, shampoo, condi……. FUCK!!!! “Babe!!!!” Yes, I did call my husband off his comfortable position on the couch. Now, I’m not usually a princess but I decided to take a bath on the coldest fucking night of the year and there was no way I was standing up to reach for the conditioner. It’s like trying to jump into a cold pool all at once. You know you’re eventually going to have to do it but I just wasn’t there yet. I was at that point where you’re standing there like an idiot while everyone watches you. Haha no, No one watches me in the bath. This blog got exciting for a second, but you know what I mean.
He came thankfully and was having difficulty because he had seran wrap on his feet. He was giving himself a “heelicure”. Yes damn autocorrect, I said “heelicure”. Put it in the dictionary before “twerking” and “selfie”. Haha my damn autocorrect doesn’t know what “twerking” is yet. Lol. So a “heelicure” is when you put Vaseline or Penaten cream or anything for a baby’s ass on your heels because you didn’t listen when your mother told you to wear slippers and now you have sock lint in those cracks that are deep enough to see your baby skin somewhere in there still and you wrap your heels with seran wrap. He had time for that. It’s not fair, why does he get to fake spa himself the same time I do?? So much for feeling special. This is my evening.
Damnit now I have to pee!!!