It is true that once in a while parents need time out for themselves or alone with their partner to remember that the other one exists. So we decided to go to The Scandinave. It’s beautiful. They have saunas and hot tubs outside all year round. I didn’t realize until I went there that relaxing just isn’t in my vocabulary. This blog is in no way meant to insult The Scandinave. Lets make that clear. But it’s a waste of money for people like me who just can’t sit there and not do anything productive or at the least be social. Let me explain this place to you.
Step 1: Go outside in your bathing suit in the cold. (It was April) Sounds like an exciting adventure until you realize you are pasty white from winter and all you want to do is hide because you have no business being in a bathing suit at that time of year. No matter if you just shaved, the goosebumps will get those hairs back in motion in seconds.
Step 2: Say Hi to someone you know Believe that your friend has lost their voice and taken up sign language. See that his wife may have taken up the same classes until you realize she is pointing to a sign that says, “Quiet Please!” What???? I can’t possibly get into a hot tub and not shout out “ahhhh I deserve this.”
Step 3: Go into the hot tub where I’m sure my legs are burning like deep fried cotoletta. Enjoy the moment with your husband under the waterfall. No wait don’t touch him or talk to him. Everyone is looking at you like if you make a peep, the quiet police are gonna kick you out. Fun!
Step 4: 15 min later, because you can’t stay in the hot tub that long, jump in the cold pool for 15 seconds. I lasted 5 seconds. I’d rather push a kid out of my vajajay again. It was torture. Remind me how this is relaxing.
Step 5: Watch every one else jump in the cold pool and freak out but all they can do is mouth open fake scream cause they are not allowed to make noise. This was the highlight of my day and yes I did laugh out loud.
Step 6: This the best part. Find a spot near the fire pit and sit. Don’t say Hi to anyone cause you’re not allowed. Awkward silence. Noone told me I had to bring a book. Since there is no sun, I can’t lay and tan, and my husband has put a towel over his head and shut the world out. So you want me to sit there and think about all the things I could be doing at home. Tell me how this is relaxing again? Where’s my drink?? And I don’t mean reusable, no harm to environment water bottle water. I was scared to litter an eye lash.
Step 7: “Babe I’m bored.” Let’s go to the steam room. We open the door and you can’t see a foot in front of you. I almost sat on someone. Yes, it is nice to breath in eucalyptus but how long can you do that for until you feel like you’re at the hair salon and they are spraying hairspray in your face? “Spit”. I look over. My husband is resting his head on the sweaty tile behind him enjoying life. I’m disgusted. Not sure if I’m sitting on my sweat or someone else’s.
Step 8: Babe lets go back in the hot tub.
Step 9: let’s go sit by the fire again
Step 10: ok let’s try out the sauna. We go in. You can breathe but the lady swooshing her sweat around rubbing it all over her body was not relaxing me one bit. I look over. My husband is lying down enjoying life. Nice.
So it seemed like a nice idea but in retrospect I’m a mom. I don’t know how to relax. I lost hours of laundry time. That place needed some wine, music and adult conversation. If I had that, I’d be spilling my drinks all over me thinking, “Fuck thank God I didn’t wash the whites yet!”