So Christmas comes and my husband feels the need to point out things like how I had to run to Dollarama last minute to get more gift bags. “Why did I WAIT till last minute?” he says. He didn’t ask. It wasn’t really a question. So I threw my hands in the air and said, “Next year, you’re doing my job and I’m buying for the 3 people you have to buy for ” (one his sister buys anyway cause I gave up buying for my in laws years ago, and the other one I buy half for anyway(myself)). So I told him I’m writing a list of responsibilities. It will look something like this :
1.Get the kids to write letters to Santa.
2.Get the kids to write Christmas list.
3.Try not to wait last minute to get what they want cause they are at an age where what they want, everyone else in their class will brag about getting when they get back to school which means you will pay triple amount online from some asshole who bought 30 of them knowing this would happen. And yes, they need to get what they ask for because 1. You don’t want them to be the class loser. 2. You don’t want them to think Santa hates them. Yes, guilt comes with this job.
4. Figure out which gifts are from you and which ones are from Santa.
5. Decorate inside the house.
6. Make sure to buy this year’s ornament
7. Make sure kids get to help you.
8. Make sure you give them the plastic ones and you put the breakables higher on the tree.
9. Once they go to bed, fix the tree of the disaster of uneven decorating they caused. Move the non matching school projects they added to the tree to a more obscure position.
10. Make a list of everyone that you need to buy for.
11. Don’t forget to buy the teacher gifts. ( this includes piano teacher, taekwondo master, Italian teachers, daycare teachers and bus driver) Remember to send them all to school.
12. Make Christmas cards for kids classes ( get count from teachers). Add peanut free pencils.
13. Go to Dollarama and get cherry flavoured candy canes so son can be like other kids in class who decided to bring treats all week only to get them sent home cause you missed the “may contain peanuts” line. (In fucking candy canes. Honestly)
14. Bake chocolate chip cookies for Santa.
15. Call all the parents of children you need to buy for and ask them what their kids are into and what sizes they are. Agree on a budget with them while you are at it.
16. Figure out what to bring to all 3 potlucks.
17. Book Christmas pictures in October or you won’t get a spot. Book a back up date in case it doesn’t go well.
18. Find outfits for pictures and pray kids will agree to wear them.
19. Survive Christmas picture shoot with 3 kids who need to be bribed.
20. Follow through with your bribe.
21. Choose best picture you can for Christmas card while you sweat buckets trying to concentrate while kids drive you nuts. Choose one that your wife won’t nag you about. 2 out of 3 kids looking at camera will suffice. You’ll have to explain how bad the other shots were…..to everyone.
22. Pick up next day
23. Print all addresses
24. Go buy stamps.
25. Mail out cards. Don’t forget the neighbours.
26. Return shit you bought that were wrong size accidentally. (What the fuck were you looking at when you bought it???)
27. Find hiding place for gifts. Make sure you have excuse if kids find them.
28. Buy wrapping paper….and tape.
29. Wrap gifts till 3:00 am cause you can only do when kids who’ve had too much candy go to sleep. Don’t think about following one of those wrapping videos you found on Facebook. You don’t have time for that shit.
30. Realize your son is smart so you need to buy a different wrapping paper for Santa’s gifts. Don’t be stupid enough to put them under the tree before Christmas.
31. Buy stocking stuffers. Yes sadly even for yourself in case your wife forgets and your kids think Santa hates you.
32. Buy groceries for whatever you decided to make for pot luck.
33. Make those dishes in a timely manner so they still taste good.
34. Get outfits for all 3 kids and yourself to wear for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Years. Yes, they can wear outfits from pictures but not all 3 days and sometimes they are not outfits wearable in public. Have a back up outfit .
35. Drink at Christmas but not too much. You still have kids to watch and stockings to remember to stuff.
36. Don’t forget to put out milk, cookies and carrots for Rudolph.
37. Don’t forget to take a bite of each.
38. Give hints to your wife of what you might want or tell her friends.
39. Make sure you coordinate with people not to buy doubles of gifts for your kids or you will be forced to bring them with you to exchange.
40. Most importantly. For 25 days don’t forget to move that fucking elf!!!!
I’m sure I forgot something.
Think he will still trade places with me??? He thinks he can do it better than I can. Please do!!!!