I wish someone told me.

I wish someone told me:
Warning. Not your most pleasant post!!

So I recently had this argument with my husband. He thinks i shouldn’t be telling pregnant or future pregnant ladies my stories of delivery and after birth as I will be scarring them for life and make them not want to have kids. I apologize for whoever I did that to but you will be thanking me.

Let me tell you something, all joking aside. These little”angels sent from God” will make you feel like you are Jesus Christ on the cross suffering for all your sins!!!! I shit you not!!!

There is nothing pleasant about trying to get a watermelon out of a hole made for a chick pea!!! Just because a sausage fit in, doesn’t mean a whole turkey dinner can make its way out!!!! I don’t care what drugs they give you!!

It is true we are all scared of delivery but the part that “I wish someone told me” was what happens when you get home. Not only do babies not sleep the way they make you believe they do in the hospital. You are faced with these facts:

1.You will never be alone again!!
2. Everyone will have seen your boobs at least once!
3. You would go into labour 10 more times to take away the pain of bleeding nipples and having to kick something while you breast feed wrong for a whole month until you finally give in to getting some help.
4.You will cry for no reason and every reason. You will feel like you’re doing a horrible job as a mom.
5. You will get no sleep. Hence more crying.
6. If you are not bleeding from your nipples, you will definitely be bleeding from other holes you’ve been blessed with!!
7.nasty stitches
8. No man will understand that in the case of a c-section you actually just had major surgery in which case he would stay on the couch and do nothing for a month while you on the other hand still have to wake up in the middle of the night while the angel tugs on your nipples.

I don’t mean to scare you newbies but I would’ve loved a warning. Maybe I wouldn’t have cried so much.

I mean you are handed this thing and with all your hormones at their best, they say, “Here’s your new job, you will have no training and many bosses, even people trying to take over your position. You will get no reaction from the client on how you are doing for at least a few months. Don’t fuck it up!! FYI we don’t care if you are in pain. Suck it up. Everyone else does it. You will have a partner but everything will fall on you. Don’t cry. There’s no time to cry. The people in this position before you used to have 7 kids while picking cichoria in the fields. You are not special in any way. You will get kicked, bitten, shit on, spit on but you must always look your best and smile. You will never be the same person you were, physically and mentally. We have high expectations of you. This is an important job. Forget who you were literally one day ago. I mean, it can’t be that bad. We know you will do it again.

And crazy enough you will. Believe me and you will look back every time and think “How the fuck did I live through that?” It’s fucked up. I guess that’s what makes us the stronger sex as we like to call ourselves (or really just nuts)!!


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