Taking down Christmas decor

I finally took the time to take down my Christmas decor. (What???? I had no time. Three kids, remember??)
It’s a little sad cause I love the Christmas feeling and the lights but most of all I love how my Decor covers places like floors, mantles, ledges and counter tops that just scream “leave crap on me” the rest of the year. Now I have all sorts of places where we can put things down for a sec when you walk into the house that take a week to put away.
Someone please explain to me how the fake cheap Christmas tree gets out of the box and never seems to fit back in. Also, please explain to my husband that I don’t like struggling to get the tangled lights off the tree as he wouldn’t let me get a pre lit one because I would lose the spirit of Christmas. I gave in cause I won the battle against coloured lights.
Someone also please explain to me how there are needles on the floor from this fake tree after I am done putting it away. I didn’t pay a lot of money for an authentic looking one so I certainly don’t expect an authentic acting one. That’s the reason I don’t have a flipping dog!! The fake one on my porch works just fine.
Of course I’m almost done putting everything away and I break an ornament. Fantastic!! Next year I am really gonna seran wrap that shit and stick it in the garage just like that—decorations still attached.

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I wish someone told me.

I wish someone told me:
Warning. Not your most pleasant post!!

So I recently had this argument with my husband. He thinks i shouldn’t be telling pregnant or future pregnant ladies my stories of delivery and after birth as I will be scarring them for life and make them not want to have kids. I apologize for whoever I did that to but you will be thanking me.

Let me tell you something, all joking aside. These little”angels sent from God” will make you feel like you are Jesus Christ on the cross suffering for all your sins!!!! I shit you not!!!

There is nothing pleasant about trying to get a watermelon out of a hole made for a chick pea!!! Just because a sausage fit in, doesn’t mean a whole turkey dinner can make its way out!!!! I don’t care what drugs they give you!!

It is true we are all scared of delivery but the part that “I wish someone told me” was what happens when you get home. Not only do babies not sleep the way they make you believe they do in the hospital. You are faced with these facts:

1.You will never be alone again!!
2. Everyone will have seen your boobs at least once!
3. You would go into labour 10 more times to take away the pain of bleeding nipples and having to kick something while you breast feed wrong for a whole month until you finally give in to getting some help.
4.You will cry for no reason and every reason. You will feel like you’re doing a horrible job as a mom.
5. You will get no sleep. Hence more crying.
6. If you are not bleeding from your nipples, you will definitely be bleeding from other holes you’ve been blessed with!!
7.nasty stitches
8. No man will understand that in the case of a c-section you actually just had major surgery in which case he would stay on the couch and do nothing for a month while you on the other hand still have to wake up in the middle of the night while the angel tugs on your nipples.

I don’t mean to scare you newbies but I would’ve loved a warning. Maybe I wouldn’t have cried so much.

I mean you are handed this thing and with all your hormones at their best, they say, “Here’s your new job, you will have no training and many bosses, even people trying to take over your position. You will get no reaction from the client on how you are doing for at least a few months. Don’t fuck it up!! FYI we don’t care if you are in pain. Suck it up. Everyone else does it. You will have a partner but everything will fall on you. Don’t cry. There’s no time to cry. The people in this position before you used to have 7 kids while picking cichoria in the fields. You are not special in any way. You will get kicked, bitten, shit on, spit on but you must always look your best and smile. You will never be the same person you were, physically and mentally. We have high expectations of you. This is an important job. Forget who you were literally one day ago. I mean, it can’t be that bad. We know you will do it again.

And crazy enough you will. Believe me and you will look back every time and think “How the fuck did I live through that?” It’s fucked up. I guess that’s what makes us the stronger sex as we like to call ourselves (or really just nuts)!!

Switching spots with my husband next Christmas

So Christmas comes and my husband feels the need to point out things like how I had to run to Dollarama last minute to get more gift bags. “Why did I WAIT till last minute?” he says. He didn’t ask. It wasn’t really a question. So I threw my hands in the air and said, “Next year, you’re doing my job and I’m buying for the 3 people you have to buy for ” (one his sister buys anyway cause I gave up buying for my in laws years ago, and the other one I buy half for anyway(myself)). So I told him I’m writing a list of responsibilities. It will look something like this :
1.Get the kids to write letters to Santa.
2.Get the kids to write Christmas list.
3.Try not to wait last minute to get what they want cause they are at an age where what they want, everyone else in their class will brag about getting when they get back to school which means you will pay triple amount online from some asshole who bought 30 of them knowing this would happen. And yes, they need to get what they ask for because 1. You don’t want them to be the class loser. 2. You don’t want them to think Santa hates them. Yes, guilt comes with this job.
4. Figure out which gifts are from you and which ones are from Santa.
5. Decorate inside the house.
6. Make sure to buy this year’s ornament
7. Make sure kids get to help you.
8. Make sure you give them the plastic ones and you put the breakables higher on the tree.
9. Once they go to bed, fix the tree of the disaster of uneven decorating they caused. Move the non matching school projects they added to the tree to a more obscure position.
10. Make a list of everyone that you need to buy for.
11. Don’t forget to buy the teacher gifts. ( this includes piano teacher, taekwondo master, Italian teachers, daycare teachers and bus driver) Remember to send them all to school.
12. Make Christmas cards for kids classes ( get count from teachers). Add peanut free pencils.
13. Go to Dollarama and get cherry flavoured candy canes so son can be like other kids in class who decided to bring treats all week only to get them sent home cause you missed the “may contain peanuts” line. (In fucking candy canes. Honestly)
14. Bake chocolate chip cookies for Santa.
15. Call all the parents of children you need to buy for and ask them what their kids are into and what sizes they are. Agree on a budget with them while you are at it.
16. Figure out what to bring to all 3 potlucks.
17. Book Christmas pictures in October or you won’t get a spot. Book a back up date in case it doesn’t go well.
18. Find outfits for pictures and pray kids will agree to wear them.
19. Survive Christmas picture shoot with 3 kids who need to be bribed.
20. Follow through with your bribe.
21. Choose best picture you can for Christmas card while you sweat buckets trying to concentrate while kids drive you nuts. Choose one that your wife won’t nag you about. 2 out of 3 kids looking at camera will suffice. You’ll have to explain how bad the other shots were…..to everyone.
22. Pick up next day
23. Print all addresses
24. Go buy stamps.
25. Mail out cards. Don’t forget the neighbours.
26. Return shit you bought that were wrong size accidentally. (What the fuck were you looking at when you bought it???)
27. Find hiding place for gifts. Make sure you have excuse if kids find them.
28. Buy wrapping paper….and tape.
29. Wrap gifts till 3:00 am cause you can only do when kids who’ve had too much candy go to sleep. Don’t think about following one of those wrapping videos you found on Facebook. You don’t have time for that shit.
30. Realize your son is smart so you need to buy a different wrapping paper for Santa’s gifts. Don’t be stupid enough to put them under the tree before Christmas.
31. Buy stocking stuffers. Yes sadly even for yourself in case your wife forgets and your kids think Santa hates you.
32. Buy groceries for whatever you decided to make for pot luck.
33. Make those dishes in a timely manner so they still taste good.
34. Get outfits for all 3 kids and yourself to wear for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Years. Yes, they can wear outfits from pictures but not all 3 days and sometimes they are not outfits wearable in public. Have a back up outfit .
35. Drink at Christmas but not too much. You still have kids to watch and stockings to remember to stuff.
36. Don’t forget to put out milk, cookies and carrots for Rudolph.
37. Don’t forget to take a bite of each.
38. Give hints to your wife of what you might want or tell her friends.
39. Make sure you coordinate with people not to buy doubles of gifts for your kids or you will be forced to bring them with you to exchange.
40. Most importantly. For 25 days don’t forget to move that fucking elf!!!!

I’m sure I forgot something.

Think he will still trade places with me??? He thinks he can do it better than I can. Please do!!!!

Spa Day

It is true that once in a while parents need time out for themselves or alone with their partner to remember that the other one exists. So we decided to go to The Scandinave. It’s beautiful. They have saunas and hot tubs outside all year round. I didn’t realize until I went there that relaxing just isn’t in my vocabulary. This blog is in no way meant to insult The Scandinave. Lets make that clear. But it’s a waste of money for people like me who just can’t sit there and not do anything productive or at the least be social. Let me explain this place to you.

Step 1: Go outside in your bathing suit in the cold. (It was April) Sounds like an exciting adventure until you realize you are pasty white from winter and all you want to do is hide because you have no business being in a bathing suit at that time of year. No matter if you just shaved, the goosebumps will get those hairs back in motion in seconds.

Step 2: Say Hi to someone you know Believe that your friend has lost their voice and taken up sign language. See that his wife may have taken up the same classes until you realize she is pointing to a sign that says, “Quiet Please!” What???? I can’t possibly get into a hot tub and not shout out “ahhhh I deserve this.”

Step 3: Go into the hot tub where I’m sure my legs are burning like deep fried cotoletta. Enjoy the moment with your husband under the waterfall. No wait don’t touch him or talk to him. Everyone is looking at you like if you make a peep, the quiet police are gonna kick you out. Fun!

Step 4: 15 min later, because you can’t stay in the hot tub that long, jump in the cold pool for 15 seconds. I lasted 5 seconds. I’d rather push a kid out of my vajajay again. It was torture. Remind me how this is relaxing.

Step 5: Watch every one else jump in the cold pool and freak out but all they can do is mouth open fake scream cause they are not allowed to make noise. This was the highlight of my day and yes I did laugh out loud.

Step 6: This the best part. Find a spot near the fire pit and sit. Don’t say Hi to anyone cause you’re not allowed. Awkward silence. Noone told me I had to bring a book. Since there is no sun, I can’t lay and tan, and my husband has put a towel over his head and shut the world out. So you want me to sit there and think about all the things I could be doing at home. Tell me how this is relaxing again? Where’s my drink?? And I don’t mean reusable, no harm to environment water bottle water. I was scared to litter an eye lash.

Step 7: “Babe I’m bored.” Let’s go to the steam room. We open the door and you can’t see a foot in front of you. I almost sat on someone. Yes, it is nice to breath in eucalyptus but how long can you do that for until you feel like you’re at the hair salon and they are spraying hairspray in your face? “Spit”. I look over. My husband is resting his head on the sweaty tile behind him enjoying life. I’m disgusted. Not sure if I’m sitting on my sweat or someone else’s.

Step 8: Babe lets go back in the hot tub.

Step 9: let’s go sit by the fire again

Step 10: ok let’s try out the sauna. We go in. You can breathe but the lady swooshing her sweat around rubbing it all over her body was not relaxing me one bit. I look over. My husband is lying down enjoying life. Nice.

So it seemed like a nice idea but in retrospect I’m a mom. I don’t know how to relax. I lost hours of laundry time. That place needed some wine, music and adult conversation. If I had that, I’d be spilling my drinks all over me thinking, “Fuck thank God I didn’t wash the whites yet!”